A Quarter Life Crisis

I saw this quote from my all time favorite author, Paulo Coelho and it made me think about a few things that I would like to share.
“Those who love giving advice on our garden never tend their own plant”
Nine days before my plane take off and I left Malang, my lovely city with all its memories, I read an email from my special one. He said, “Leaving is like a little death, but staying isn’t fully life. If leaving is your choice, take and hold on it and never look back”. I was freezing for a second at that time. I was wondering about the meaning of that sentences.
Since I was in a school-age, I live without my parents -they were divorced anyway. I just live with my brother and sisters until I took a college. After I finished my study, I worked and still alone and then in some day I thought that I should live with my parents, at least one of them, my mom or my dad, and I choose my mom. So, in the middle of my probation job, I decided to get closer with my mom and she is in Borneo. During the time before my probation end up, I prepare myself for everything, how will I live there, what am I gonna do, how will I adapt the situation. I set the detail of my preparation to face what kind of chances I will meet, except one, I missed preparing my heart to face my family.
It’s been two weeks and mostly I can accept my new environment, the weather, the situation, the neighbor and the silences. One thing that I can’t accept yet, my family, I just realized that we have been separated for a long time. In fact, it’s more difficult than what I’m thinking about understanding my family. Actually, we –me and my family- have a way different point of view about life.
On some silent night, in balcony with a starry sky, I reflect all the things I’ve done. There’s no other reason except getting closer with my family especially my mom that makes me decide to stay here. I thought that I should taking care of my mom before everything’s going to be too late.
I feel so down. My goal about family maybe right, but I may be in wrong direction. But, decision is decision, as my friend said, I should hold on it even with bloody big effort. Even though I enjoy my downtime, I still spend more time thinking about others and caring for others than do for myself. I trust easily, give willingly and then fall hardly. All for my family. This sounds great in theory and of course it’s wonderful thing to be able to be selfless, kind and compassionate. But, the question is, am I satisfy?
No, I mean not satisfy yet. This question will take some times to be answered. I don’t know, wether I’m satisfy or not. I just follow my heart -taking care of my family- until I realized that my self has been abandoned.
Learn from me. Be your own best friend. It’s great to have a family surrounding you, but it’s important to be able to stand on your own two feet and take a walk by yourself because this is all your life. Please talk yourself through the hard times first and then have your family as secondary, because we are not doing anybody any good. It’s like they say on the plane, first place your oxygen mask, then help those around you. If you are trying to help someone else first and run out of air, you are not doing anybody else any good. If you love yourself more, imagine how much better of a family member, friends and others.
I wholeheartedly believe that being able to be there for yourself at all times and in all aspects of life is a lifeskill everyone should learn. It’s not selfish because the long term effects are selfishly selfless.
The better you can be for yourself, the better you can be for the rest of the world.
But if you are already stuck in the situation like mine, note my words and tell yourself: this battle is mine, and I won’t surrender. I may choose the wrong direction, but I know for sure that this way will lead me into mygoal. Keeping the goals set up in mymind allows me to breath and say: well,it’s ok..I can do it.
So now, I would like to take the time to say: enjoy your company, enjoy learning more about you and treat yourself properly. I hear you are pretty great ;)